Just a few weeks ago I saw an incredible performance by Radiohead at the Apollo in Manchester. The set list for the show was a masterstroke, combining the best songs from each of the band’s last four albums. Included also were several songs from the new album, HAIL TO THE THIEF, that actually sounded quite good performed live, although as I stated then, I would reserve my judgement until I could hear the album.

Well, I’ve now got the album in its double vinyl format, and the news is very mixed.

I’ve read a number of reviews already, some of which have congratulated the band on ‘going back to the mainstream’ and ‘writing proper songs’. The general verdict seems to be that this is a good if not a great record. I began to wonder if they had listened to the same album as I had. A new record by Radiohead is big, big news and in the last month or so, the band have taken on the task of ‘marketing’ the album (unusually) aggressively with loads of interviews, TV appearances and of course their spectacular live tours. In fact so much so I began to wonder if the record company felt that the album would need strong marketing to achieve sales targets.

I began to worry…

2003 is already turning out to be a bad year for great music. In fact, I can think of only about half a dozen that I can honestly claim as being truly great records. I was hoping that I could add Radiohead to that list.

I can’t…

The double vinyl doesn’t state whether it travels at 33.3rpm or 45rpm. So I had to suck it and see, and was delighted to find that it’s a 45 with excellent sound quality. Well, at least they’ve got something right…. I can best sum up this record by saying that underneath the endless layers of mixing, manipulation and production, there actually are some good songs. Problem is that it takes a North Sea oilrig to drill for them.

Buy hey, I don’t mind a bit of plumbing to find treasure, and often it’s the case that great records take a while to manifest themselves, even years. A couple of relevant and more recent examples are AMNESIAC and KID A - both of course by Radiohead. The best music involves, with a modicum of melody needed to create a little light, a little recognition, a connection.

But with HAIL TO THE THIEF I (really) struggled….

The first track, 2 + 2 = 5 (subtitled The Lukewarm), began to sound very much like an OK COMPUTER masterpiece and gives George W. a rather subtle (and justified) kick in the ribs. It builds quite nicely from a contemplative, slow pace and gets angrier and angrier, and faster and faster with just a trace of melody. Needless to say, I couldn’t understand a word of what Yorke is singing, so I reverted to the sleeve notes and liked what I saw. Not bad. Sit Down. Stand Up (subtitled Snakes And Ladders) is just an incessant and breathless rant with about six lines of lyrics. ‘Forget about it…’

Sail To The Moon (subtitled Brush The Cobwebs Out Of The Sky) is a keyboard led, haunting and very moving song with traces of a classic soul ballad. Lyrics are special and it maintains its glacial pace till the end - a bit special. Side B starts with Backdrifts (subtitled Honeymoon Is Over) and by now I’ve got the sleeve notes sitting next to me ready to decipher lyrics which for this song are wonderful. “We’re rotten fruit, We’re damaged goods, What the hell, We got nothing more to lose, One gust & we, Will probably crumble…” But I also found that a great song has been made almost impenetrable by its overblown electronics and mixing. Not so the next beautiful song Go To Sleep (subtitled Little Man Being Erased). A bluesy acoustic guitar accompanies a wonderful vocal with some gutsy riffs around the middle-eight. There’s also a strong melody and this distinctive combination makes it a highlight of the album. Where I End And You Begin (subtitled The Sky Is Falling) follows on nicely with its spacey vibe, jagged and relentless drum beats. Yorke’s voice is rather over-manipulated but it survives as a strong tune.

I’m now on side C and the first track begins to evolve with a deathly slow beat. We Suck Young Blood (subtitled Your Time Is Up) is where I think things go very wrong. This sounds like a soundtrack to one of those very sad old stage shows that Italians used to flock to in New York, and commonly seen in gangster movies. The bass harmonies add to the crushing, relentless darkness and even the lyrics fail to save it. Things brighten up a bit about midway but then plummet again into that deathly chant. I ask, ‘what the feck is this?’ And then move to the next track The Gloaming (subtitled Softly Open Your Mouths In The Cold). Electronic blips herald this song in followed by an echoed, distant Yorke vocal. And I’m lost again. No melody, no sense, no beauty - the worst kind of filler track. Just blips and uninvolving vocals. I just don’t get it.

Then comes the first single, There There (subtitled The Boney King Of Nowhere). How anybody could call this a single is beyond me but at least it has a OK COMPUTER-esque style vocal that oozes expression, and if you drill hard enough, the vague hint of a melody. But it starts nowhere and goes nowhere. It’s just impenetrable and dense noise. I Will (subtitled No Man’s Land) is a simpler song which is also, thankfully, very short. Nuff said.

I’m now on the final leg and on side D with opener A Punchup At A Wedding (subtitled No no no no no no no). Melody returns together with a fairly interesting guitar rhythm and wandering keyboard notes. But it’s not enough to impress and while lyrics sparkle, the song doesn’t. Myxomatosis (subtitled Judge, Jury & Executioner) almost comes to my rescue with what sounds like double bass strings being continually traversed. The sound is the most original here but the vocal disappears in a morass of sound and while interesting, it’s again a cluttered mass of directionless noise. Scatterbrain (subtitled As Dead As Leaves) gives the vocal space to breathe but I’m lost again in a song that drones on without a solid melody. It’s ostentatious and self-indulgent. I can’t believe I just wrote that…Last track, A Wolf At The Door (subtitled It Girl, Rag Doll) can best be described as a Radiohead rap and it ends the album on a higher and more interesting note. The Yorke vocal is vintage and the song is definitely my second-favourite.

So what’s it all about Alfie? To me, it’s an object lesson in over-self indulgence and over-production. A third of the album is almost magical, the other two-thirds is perhaps the most disappointing music I’ve ever heard. And I really can’t believe I wrote that…about a Radiohead album.

3/5